TIGblogs - Sebastian St.Troy's TIGBlog

Finding Encouragement and Support

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:04:00 EDT

NOTE about this entry: Although The "C" Blog is about the book and film project mainly, I've decided to share what goes on behind the scenes as well, including how I'm feeling and thinking. My hope is that others will see what it is like as the project continues to grow, and hopefully show the real man behind the project. I hope you enjoy reading more about me.

Realizing that over the years I haven't always been one to stick with anything for very long - boyfriends, jobs, businesses, family, homes, etc. - I hadn't known the truth of what my friends believed about me. I know I've moved a lot, quit jobs, left lovers, and got rid of businesses I owned all because I wanted freedom, but does this mean that when I take on a new project that my friends cannot support me. It seems that way lately, because when I talk about my current project they all seem to just give me lip service, not genuine support. I've been keeping it all inside until today when my sister sent me an email.

Most people have never understood who I am, some never tried, and yet, can I blame them when there have been times in my life that I didn't understand what my motivations were. During my 5 months of backpacking through Central America something changed in me, or was it that I rediscovered the strengths I had when younger but that had been lost because of so many perceived failures. Whatever it was, I'm now at a point in my life where I really know myself, am willing to stand up and do something again, to open up to new friendships, and to a point where I've accepted the person I am, including all of the negative (or perceived negative) aspects of my life.

Few, if any, have ever seen the many nights of tears, the long sleepless nights questioning my very existence, or known the troubles of my mind as I have sorted through my life. I'll admit, I haven't tried very hard to let anyone know about my struggles, and would only tell people, "I don't think you could handle being inside my head for a moment as it might make you go insane." I've always internalized everything in my life, and kept my fears from everyone, fears, hurts, pains, etc. Now, I'm ready to open my life and try to let people see what really goes on inside my head, my heart, and know the real me. However, are they ready? Are they true friends or not? Can they see past whatever conceived ideas they might have about me to discover the changes in my life now?

I'm not sure where my life is leading me these days. I have never wanted to extend my life, as I haven't liked it on many occasions throughout the years, but now I am talking with my doctor about taking HIV medications, seeking ways of improving my health, working on mending broken family ties, trying to be a concerned and honest friend, and I'm actually wanting to live. I know this thought doesn't resonate with my friends or family that have been through my life with me, however, rediscovering myself has brought about such changes in my life and how I think about myself that I'm ready to move forward into that vast unknown, not with dread of the past, but with a hope for what might be in the future.

I haven't thought very highly of myself over the last many years since I left Louisiana, because I know I wasn't following a true path, instead I was avoiding my issues by indulging in the dark side of sensual pleasures, doing drugs, and feeling sorry for myself. Even when I left Austin to go to Central America I had shut down and couldn't function, I had given up completely, ready to end it all. I couldn't find a way to forgive myself for years of neglect, pain, and avoidance. I came alive while backpacking, realized that I had the ability to do anything, learned to be open about who I was, and returned to the states a different man. At least within my own thoughts and beliefs I've changed or returned to a true path, however, others cannot see that yet.

I suppose when those that are closest to you can only see the image that has been created over the years, then it may be difficult for them to see, or accept, that there could be an altered image now. I cannot fully express the tears that fell today when I tried to talk to my best friend about the new project, and how it has been achieving something that I know is far beyond me, and seeking his advice and support, instead only receiving what I felt like was lip service. He's been my best friend for a long time now, but lately I've noticed more and more changes in our relationship, discovered what his real thoughts are about me, and have begun to question the status of our relationship. I get to see him on Wednesday and will find the words to speak with him about how I felt today.

The child within has grown up, perhaps not to full adult age, but he has grown. That lonesome, fearful, hurt, and ashamed child now seeks acceptance, forgiveness and love in a world that now seems foreign, uncertain, and challenging. Through working on the new project I've grown as well, right along with that inner child, holding hands together, and finding assurance within each other. I'm afraid, nervous, and unsure of where this new project will take me, however, I do know it's something that I cannot escape or run from at this point. It has become the one guiding factor for my existence now, that driving force, and something that isn't about me.

I've been brought to tears a lot of late, tears of joy, of amazement, of loneliness, of personal skepticism, and of fear. Other people are getting to know the person they see working on the project, that creative mind (as I've been known to be called), and they have shown such compassion, encouragement and support to rival anything I have known before. I'm sure it's the project itself and not me that draws their support, but maybe they see something deeper within myself that is only now finding it's own voice and place in the world. Whatever it is, the project or my own energy, I'm thankful for the love.

Daily doubting my own abilities and talents, I've begun to work harder to be true to myself, to speak my concerns, and to be open with people. I know I may not be the person who can carry this new project forward into the acclaim it has been receiving, but I know that I can find the people who can help it achieve it's calling. I'm going along for the ride, enjoying every minute of the refreshing atmosphere, to see where all of this will lead. Who's along for the ride with me? Who cares enough to see into the heart of a man that has long lived in fear and pain?

Welcome to my world, now you've seen what goes on inside my head all of the time, and I've only shown a portion of it here. But if anyone wants to get involved in helping me to take my project to it's next level, then please visit my project's website: www.theHIVconversation.com. Hopefully through this project we all might discover our true selves and learn to laugh, share and live openly.

Prevent the Spread of HIV

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:33:00 EDT

By being committed to always having "The Conversation" about HIV openly and without fear, then you can help prevent the spread of HIV and help others learn more about it. Are you committed? Show your commitment by displaying the image on your Blog or website and help start a global conversation about HIV.

Central America

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:28:00 EDT

Recently I had the great pleasure of backpacking through Central America. I learned a great deal about various cultures, not to mention met some incredible people from all over the world. By gaining insight into another culture we can appreciate our own more, along with learning to accept other ideas and beliefs.

Ride a Bike

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:25:00 EDT

Even though it's been rough sometimes, I don't even own a car anymore. Instead, I travel on foot or on my bicycle. I've found that I stay in better health, have reduced emissions, save on the use of plastics because I put everything in my backpack, and I feel better all the way around.

I just wish more cities had bike lanes so it wouldn't be rough riding along the side of the road.

Goals or Intentions

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:22:00 EDT

I’ve found that when I live by goals that I set myself up for failure, because then there is a concrete aspect of my life that has to reach it’s end. Which, for me, caused stress and a concern for not being able to achieve things. However, when I started living my life through intentions, rather than goals, then I discovered I was free to live life in the moment and follow the path the universe was showing. I’ve found this to be less stressful, more exciting, and with a greater appreciation of what can be. For through intentions, which will always be present, I can take the scenic route in life and still achieve the things I’ve wanted to do, but now with more enjoyment.

My intentions are to continue developing the book and film project I’m working on called “The Conversation”. It all started out quite easily and I never expected it to achieve it’s current status, however, I’m very thankful that it has grown into something greater than I could have hoped for. Within this aspect are the other intentions that were derived from this project, such as the intention to talk freely with people about my HIV status, the intention to support others with HIV, the intention to encourage others to speak openly about HIV and AIDS, the intention to live a more meaningful life, and the intention to respect others.

"The Conversation" - A new book and film project about HIV Disclosure.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 09:21:00 EDT

I'm writing a book and doing a video documentary on the subject of "The Conversation" that everyone with HIV has when they disclose their HIV status. I'm looking for people from every race, age, nationality, and background; including those that are HIV negative to share their stories for publishing in the book.

There are several ways you can help us with the project:

Promote our project on your website, Blog, Message Board, etc. Our website - www.theHIVconversation.com

Inform your clients, if you're an ASO, of the project and ask them to complete a questionnaire. You can obtain supporting materials from the ASO page on our website.

Link to us. We will gladly send you all the information you need for a link.

Allow us to link to you. You'll need to send us a graphic and any verbiage you would like used.

Help us with the video project. We are currently looking for people to do individual videos to be published on our Youtube channel - http://www.youtube.com/user/TheHIVConversation And, you might be able to help us with funding or other things as we work to complete our feature length documentary.

You can learn more about the book, the author, who benefits, read stories of others who have already become a part of the project, and obtain a Questionnaire.

Thank you

Do Your Own Video for “The Conversation”

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 10:03:00 EDT

Here’s your chance to share your story and experiences about having “The Conversation” with others. You can send it to us and we’ll upload it to our YouTube profile, created a custom player for it, and then put it on our website for others to view.

You can create any style (real, animated, photos, etc.), but the main thing is to show what it was like for you to have “The Conversation”. You don’t have to show your face or reveal your name, unless you feel comfortable doing so. If your child is doing the video, please be sure that no personal information is revealed such as your address, etc. and complete a Child’s Photo Release. You can even include others such as your family, friends, or partner so they can talk about what it was like for them as well. Thus, please choose one of the topics below to do your video on:

Here is my story of when I had “The Conversation” with my family.
Here is my story of when I had “The Conversation” with my friends.
Here is my story of when I had “The Conversation” with my partner.
Why I’m afraid of having “The Conversation” – this topic can be about anything such as fear of loosing a job, fear of rejection, etc.

Please be creative, have fun, and let your voice be heard so that a new global conversation can begin about HIV and AIDS. Once you’ve completed your video, completed and returned any needed Photo Releases please send it to us. You can obtain the forms by clicking on the Title above.

Aquí está su posibilidad para compartir su historia y experiencias sobre tener "la Conversación" con otros. Usted puede enviárnoslo y lo cargaremos a nuestro perfil YouTube, creó a un jugador de encargo para ello, y luego lo pusieron sobre nuestro sitio Web para otros para ver.

Usted puede crear cualquier estilo (verdadero, animado, fotos, etc.), pero lo principal debe mostrar lo que era para usted para tener "la Conversación". Usted no tiene que mostrar su cara o revelar su nombre, a menos que usted se sienta cómodo haciendo tan. Si su niño hace el vídeo, por favor estar seguro que ninguna información personal es revelada como su dirección, etc. y completa la Liberación de Foto de un Niño. Usted puede incluir hasta a otros como su familia, amigos, o acompañar así ellos pueden hablar de lo que era para ellos también. Así, por favor elija uno de los temas abajo para hacer su vídeo en:

Aquí está mi historia de cuando yo tenía "la Conversación" con mi familia.
Aquí está mi historia de cuando yo tenía "la Conversación" con mis amigos.
Aquí está mi historia de cuando yo tenía "la Conversación" con mi compañero.
Por qué tengo miedo de tener "la Conversación" – este tema puede ser sobre algo como el miedo de soltar un trabajo, el miedo del rechazo, etc.

Por favor esté creativo, se divierten, y deje a su voz ser oída de modo que una nueva conversación global pueda comenzar sobre VIH y SIDA. Una vez que usted ha completado su vídeo, completó y devolvió cualquier Liberación de Foto necesaria por favor envíenoslo. Usted puede obtener las formas haciendo clic en el Título encima.

New Things for the website/Nuevas Cosas para el sitio Web

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:03:00 EDT

I've been working to find free things to help make the site better and found a great web program that has many items for free and have started using their service. I'm having to do the free stuff as I live on my Social Security Disability Income now, and as some of us know very well, that isn't a lot of money to live on. The free web program that is hosting our site is www.weebly.com and the web company that is doing our Forms, Mailing List, Guest Book, Message Forum and Guest Map is www.bravenet.com.

I hope you will feel free to start conversations on the Message Forum, let us know you've visited the site by signing our Guest Book, and join the Mailing List.

He estado trabajando para encontrar cosas libres de ayudar a hacer el sitio mejor y encontré un gran programa de web que tiene muchos artículos gratis y ha comenzado a usar su servicio. Tengo que hacer la materia libre cuando vivo en mis Ingresos de Discapacidad de Seguridad Social ahora, y cuando algunos de nosotros saben muy bien, que no es mucho dinero para vivir en. El programa de web libre que recibe nuestro sitio es www.weebly.com y la compañía de web que hace nuestras Formas, Lista de Direcciones, Libro de los Huéspedes, Foro de Mensaje y Mapa de Invitado son www.bravenet.com.

Espero que usted se sienta libre de comenzar conversaciones en el Foro de Mensaje, para avisarnos usted ha visitado el sitio firmando nuestro Libro de los Huéspedes, y se afilia a la Lista de Direcciones.

Video Funding - Financiación de Vídeo

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:03:00 EDT

We are currently in discussions with the Austin film maker about doing the video. The topic of expenses for the video were brought up and now we are working on a initial budget. As soon as we get the first budget prepared we'll be putting together funding requests, however, if you know of any agency or individuals that might be interested in assisting with the funding, please let us know. Thank you.

Estamos actualmente en discusiones con el fabricante de película de Austin sobre hacer el vídeo. El tema de gastos para el vídeo fue criado y ahora trabajamos en un presupuesto inicial. Tan pronto como nos ponemos el primer presupuesto se preparó reuniremos la financiación de peticiones, sin embargo, si usted sabe de alguna agencia o individuos que podrían estar interesados en la asistencia con la financiación, por favor nos avisaron. Gracias.

Featured Voices - Voces presentadas

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:03:00 EDT

Through a desire to share the stories of people who might never be heard, we have started a section called 'Featured Voices.' Here we will be sharing short clips from the interviews with various people who have volunteered to share their stories. If you'd like to be featured, please complete a Questionnaire and send it back to us.

Por un deseo de compartir las historias de las personas que nunca podrían ser oídas, hemos comenzado una sección llamada 'Voces Presentadas.' Aquí compartiremos clips cortos de las entrevistas con varia gente que se ha ofrecido para compartir sus historias. Si le gustara ser presentado, por favor complete un Cuestionario y devuélvanoslo.

The Beginning - El Principio

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:03:00 EDT

I just wanted to start this Blog so everyone would be able to keep up to date about how things are progressing and share other useful information as might be needed. My sincere hopes are that through the book and the documentary that "The Conversation" about being HIV positive can be had by everyone freely without fear of what others might think or believe. I'll be updating this section often, so please come back and check things out.

Sólo quise comenzar este Blog entonces cada uno sería capaz de quedarse moderno sobre como las cosas son progressing y comparten otra información útil como podría ser necesaria. Mis esperanzas sinceras son que por el libro y el documental que "la Conversación" sobre ser el VIH positivo puede ser tenida por cada uno libremente sin el miedo de lo que los otros podrían pensar o creer. Actualizaré esta sección a menudo, entonces por favor vuelven y comprueban cosas.